


Fashion Files: Fashion's Best Friend

by sanidine



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Case Fic, Friendship, Gen, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 01:38:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13847352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanidine/pseuds/sanidine
Summary: In which the Fashion Police get a new case, and Tyler Breeze is not a dog person.





	Fashion Files: Fashion's Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [APgeeksout](https://archiveofourown.org/users/APgeeksout/gifts).



> My shamefully belated fulfillment for the Fandom Loves Puerto Rico auction for APgeeksout, who gave me a huge list of awesome prompts that included both "Fashion Files casefic" and "Someone unwittingly adopts a spooky critter."

 

The world was sick. A swirling cesspool of people who wore socks with sandals, who thought that jean shorts were an acceptable choice. The powers that be in the WWE had turned a blind eye to allow crimes against fashion to flourish within the company, but that wasn't going to stop the Fashion Police from working the beat. No way. There was still too much work to be done. They were cops without a case, but nothing could slow them down in their relentless pursuit of justice.

So Tyler and Dango spent at least an hour arguing with Kurt Angle that they should have been allowed on the 25th Anniversary of RAW. Rumor had it that even The Undertaker would be there, a rare opportunity for Tyler to have words with him regarding the neckline on his singlet. So what if Breezango were technically only signed to SmackDown? The jurisdiction of the Fashion Police should have included RAW, and the fact that it apparently did not was an egregious oversight of both the legal system and of common human decency. But Kurt Angle proved himself to be a monster who had no qualms about inflicting his employee's wardrobe horrors on the audiences of America.

Whatever. Tyler had better things to do, anyways.

Guo Pei’s people were happy to meet with Tyler on short notice, and they had plenty to talk about - if Rihanna’s 2016 Met Gala dress had had 55 pounds of fur, then Tyler wanted his to have at least 75. _At least_.

He and Dango didn't end up finishing the video conference with the Beijing studio until it was late enough that the streets of were hushed, as close to quiet and New York ever got. It was frigid out, too cold for snow, freezing and clear as the lights of the towering skyscrapers and distant traffic signals smearing out against the darkness, the thin crescent of the moon that hung in the sky like a perfectly manicured French tip. 

Tyler pulled his cashmere cowl up farther around his neck to protect himself from the cold. He opened his mouth to ask Dango about a new idea he’d had for tassels, but before he could say anything the freezing night air was split by the squeal of brakes followed by an agonizing screech of rending metal that would have made Tyler's hair stand on end if his hair weren't always perfectly behaved.

Then the night fell quiet again.

Tyler turned, half expecting to see that The Ascension had been stalking them and had, like, accidentally fallen into a dumpster or something. But instead of Konnor and Viktor, Tyler only saw the twisted wreck of a delivery truck - the windshield shattered to spiderweb, the steaming radiator, the front end mangled where it had hit something and caved in around it. And there, a few feet away, was what the truck had hit.

“Oh no!” Dango gasped, bringing his hands up to his face “That poor dog!”

Now that he squinted Tyler could see that the mass slumped in the old snow in the halo of a streetlamp was vaguely animal shaped. But Tyler never would have guessed that the mass of shaggy black hair in the middle of the street was a dog. Well, what _had been_ a dog.

Fandango was already heading towards the accident, and Tyler followed behind grudgingly. Dango had such a soft spot for animals and was still torn up over the terrible death of Tully the horse at the dastardly hands of Arn Anderson, but Tyler -

“Don't touch it.” Tyler said, reaching out to stop Fandango when he went to kneel down next to the carcass. “If you get dog blood on that satin it'll never come out.”

“But Breezy! We have to save it!” Fandango was desperate as they stood over the body of the dog. “Do they have Dog 911?”

“Dog 911?”

“You know. Like 911 but for -”

Just then, before Dango could finish explaining the concept of Dog 911, the shaggy mass at their feet started to shift.

Tyler took a step back as part of it slouched up off the ground. It moved with a muffled sound like firecrackers far in the distance, a cracking and snapping that only increased as the back half of the dog rotated 180 degrees so that the legs were back on the ground instead of sticking out in the air. The dog stretched and straightened it's spine, setting off another cascade of popping before it shook, sending clumps of street grime flying in a disgusting hail.

The dog wasn't any breed that Tyler recognized but that was hardly surprising. Tyler Breeze knew everything there was to know about everything, obviously, but he was definitely not a dog person. He didn't have time for animals in general and there definitely had never been space in his life for dogs. Modeling was a cutthroat industry. There was no room for soft, small things that wanted to be loved.

Not that _this_ dog was small, mind you. Now that it was standing, Tyler saw it was big enough that its shoulders came up to Dango's hips. No wonder hitting it had wrecked the truck. The dog's fur was black all over - so dark that it seemed to absorb the light from the streetlamp above - except for an oddly shaped blaze of white fur that covered most of its face. As Tyler stared, the dog tilted its head to the side so that the fur flopped out of its face then, and as the dog blinked up at them Tyler saw that it's eyes...

(Tyler remembered, then, how he had been invited a VIP event at the London Aquarium during fashion week a few years prior. Attending would have been an unconscionable waste of his valuable time. The aquarium event only had a black tie dress code, which, as far as Tyler was concerned, meant that most people there would basically be wearing overalls. It was beneath him - Tyler Breeze had plenty of invitations to far more exclusive events. Yet for some reason, Tyler had decided to go to the aquarium. He had spent the night being the most beautiful person there, of course, draped in a fortune of sponsored jewels as he sipped champagne and wandered through the aquarium. Tyler had ignored all the less gorgeous people's attempts to speak to him, and had instead watched an octopus curled in the corner of it's tank. And the octopus had watched him back through its odd pupils, its bulging kaleidoscope eyes.)

Tyler saw, then, that dogs and octopuses had the same type of eyes. Except that the octopus had only had two eyes, whereas this dog had four.

“Can I pet it now?”

Dango was almost dancing with excitement. Tyler crossed his arms over his chest, still keeping his distance. If Fandango got fleas, Tyler was going to make him go hang out with The Ascension.

“Fine.”

Fandango stepped forward and kneeled down in front of the dog so that they were eye to eyes, making nonsensical baby talk as he let it sniff his hand before he scratched it under its chin. The dog started to wag its tail and whined happily when Dango ran his hands down it's fluffy sides. Tyler checked his watch.

“Aww, who's a good girl?” Dango asked

“I don't know?” Tyler replied, confused, in the second before he realized that Fandango wasn't talking to him.

“It's you!” Dango sing-songed to the dog. “Yes you are! You are the best dog and I'm gonna call you Patches.”

“Why?”

Fandango stood up from his crouch, still running one of his hands down the dog's back again and again. “Cause she's got such pretty patches of scales! Yes she does, oh yes she does.”

Tyler stepped closer to get a better look, thinking that he must have heard wrong. But when the angle of the light changed he saw that there were indeed patches of shiny, iridescent black scales on the dog’s belly that wrapped around onto the ribs, mostly hidden under the thick fur. Huh. Tyler hadn't remembered that dogs had scales, but here was a dog and it definitely had scales. And Dango didn't seem bothered at all, which was good enough for Tyler. Fandango was, like, the smartest person that Tyler knew. Except for himself, of course.

“Can we keep her, Breezy? Please? Just until we can find her owners.”

Tyler rolled his eyes at the very thought, but the dog - clearly much more impressed - reared up on its hind legs and landed its front paws on Fandango’s shoulders. The dog panted for a couple of seconds, her dripping green tongue lolling out past three rows of teeth, before she started licking at Fandango’s face. Tyler recoiled in disgust but Dango just laughed and petted at the dog’s side with heavy, thumping pats. “You're a good girl, yes you are! Yes you are a good girl! And I bet your people miss you, yes they do. Yes they do miss a good girl like you!”

Eventually the dog relented, let her paws slip from Fandango’s shoulders and sat down on the sidewalk so she could look between the two of them with an intelligent expectation.

“How are we going to find who the dog belongs to?” Tyler finally asked, purposefully glossing over Dango's question about whether or not they could keep the dog. The answer was obviously -

“I don't know Breezy, I don't see anyone around.” Fandango looked up and down the empty sidewalk. A few blocks away a yellow cab sped by on a cross street, but other than the dog and themselves there was no one to be seen.

“Maybe there are some clues around here somewhere…” Tyler trailed off for a second before he made eye contact with Dango, and the look of realization crossed their faces simultaneously. “Dango. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?”

“The Fashion Police are on the case!”

\---

Daniel Bryan was too busy chasing the uggo Canadians to make a match for the Fashion Police on SmackDown Live the next day, but Tyler and Dango showed up early to sneak the dog in so that they could work on solving The Case of Who Lost Their Dog.

Fandango had insisted on disguising the dog just in case they crossed paths with anyone backstage. Tyler had flatly refused to volunteer any of his wigs or blouses to the cause, but he found an old bald cap that he was willing to sacrifice. Between that and one of Dango’s black vests the dog was thoroughly unrecognizable. It was a really good disguise... maybe too good. Tyler was worried that someone was going to ask them what they were doing with Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Luckily, nobody threw any cans of beer at the dog as the three of them poked their heads through the back door and crept into the loading dock. Tyler and Dango didn't see anyone as they snuck by the production trucks and into the hallways backstage, and their stealth mission remained covert. The dog stopped to sniff at a couple of equipment crates but otherwise loped along beside them happily until they reached the Fashion Police headquarters.

Fandango had just started to take the disguise off of the dog when Tyler felt his phone begin to vibrate. He opened the clutch that he was carrying, expecting perhaps a contact about the approaching New York fashion week, but when he saw the number on the screen he recoiled instantly a d dropped the thing into the garbage can.

“What's up Breezy?” Fandango asked “Is your phone broken?”

Tyler shoved some papers off the desk and into the garbage to cover his phone so that he wouldn't even have to look at it. “No. The Ascension just texted me.”

“Gross.”

The dog helpfully lifted her paws as Fandango slipped the vest off, ruffling her ears once the bald cap had been removed. Then Fandango took off his own shirt and put on his detectives cap. Tyler ignored his phone buzzing at the bottom of the trash and gathered up the post it notes and gel pens so that they could keep track of whatever clues they found.

Then it was time to get down to business.

The business of solving crimes.

“Alright, Dango.” Tyler started. “First things first. Are there any signs of who the dog could belong to?”

Fandango’s brow furrowed as he tried to recall details of the night before. “She wasn't carrying a sign when we found her. All she had was a necklace.”

“A necklace?”

“Yeah, I felt it when I was petting her. Some kind of charm necklace.”

“We should check the charm.” Tyler suggested “If the design house is exclusive enough, then maybe we can find out who bought the necklace.”

“Good idea Breezy! Patches, roll over so we can see your accessories.”

The dog did not roll over. She just sat there, panting, looking between the two of them expectantly. Fandango knelt down next to the dog, petting and telling her what a good girl she was, _yes she was, oh yes she was, such a good girl_ , and nudged at the Patches until she rolled over onto her back. Tyler stayed a few steps back, sitting with his thighs pressed against the edge of the desk and watching as Dango pet at one of the patches of scales in the dog's belly with one hand as he felt around its neck with the other until -

“Ah hah!”

The black leather necklace was hardly visible through the dog's thick ruff of neck fur, but even from a distance Tyler could tell that it was hardly a high class accessory. The little red bone-shaped charm that Fandango had clasped between his thumb and forefinger may have been cute to someone with no taste, but Tyler thought its was a little gauce. The shade of red didn't even complement the dog's scales.

“Anything?” He asked

“There are some numbers engraved here...” Fandango leaned down even closer, squinting at the charm as he kept petting the dog. “I think we found our first clue! Someone's trying to send us a coded message. But what could it mean…”

“Maybe it's a phone number?” Tyler hadn't ever really thought about it, but it did make sense that someone would want to put their phone number on a dog. If they loved it, if they had wanted to make sure they got it back. “Try calling it!”

This was why the Fashion Police had the best case clearance rate of any backstage law keeping force in the WWE. Smarts. Teamwork. Impeccable fashion sense. But when Fandango went to dial the number, a problem arose that neither of them could have anticipated.

Whenever Dango would stop petting Patches so that he could dial the phone the dog would start to squirm impatiently, pulling the charm out of Fandango’s grip as she rolled back over onto her belly, the necklace disappearing back under the shaggy neck ruff as she sat up. Then Fandango would start petting her again, but once he had found the charm necklace and went to start dialing he would have to stop petting the dog. And the dog would roll back over. And the process would repeat itself.

Fandango was infinitely patient with the big slobbering animal, but after watching the cycle three times Tyler had finally had enough.

“Do you need help?”

“Huh?” Fandango looked up. The dog rolled over on its belly once again, wagging her tail against the ground with heavy thumps. “No, I got it. C’mere pretty girl, roll back over for your uncle Dango...”

Tyler heaved a sigh and crouched down on the floor, reluctantly running a hand down the dog's shaggy side. Patches rolled onto her back, pulling those huge paws up to her chest as she tilted her head to look at Tyler. The dog's tongue lolled out and it seemed to smile at him, panting rotten egg dogbreath directly in Tyler's face with the approximate heat and force of the exhaust from the engines of the personal jet that Tyler used to travel between his seasonal residences.

Disgusting. Not endearing at all. Tyler started to lean away, but as soon as he paused ever so slightly in petting it the dog started to whine. It was still looking at Tyler, all four of it's red eyes blinking beseechingly as it wiggled on the floor - or maybe _thrashed_ was a better word. Fandango lost his hold on the tag and Tyler had to resume petting the animal. Just to make sure it stayed where it was as he watched Fandango squinted at the numbers on the charm.

“Is that a 0 or a 7?”

Tyler craned his head over. “It's clearly a…number ” The dog’s charm was almost illegible, dented and scratched and scorched. No wonder it was taking Dango so long to read the number.

“I'll just try both.”

Tyler wasn't sure, but it looked like phone number on the dog’s charm necklace already had an uncommon number of numbers. Which reminded him -

“Not both at the same time, Dango.”

“Oh, that's right! Thanks Breezy.”

Tyler leaned back against the edge of a stack of boxes that held their old case files, trying to at least get comfortable since he was stuck there, running his fingers through the fur on the dog's chest and watching it watch him through those rectangular pupils.

Fandango winced and held the phone away from his face as soon as the call connected. Even though he was sitting a couple feet away, Tyler could also hear the unholy noise that suddenly blasted from Dango's phone speaker. Distorted screeching that sounded as if tormented souls were being fed into some eternal meat grinder.

“It's a fax machine, Dango!” Tyler had to raise his voice to be heard over the din.

Dango still looked confused and a little bit scared by the hellish noise, but gave Tyler a thumbs up before he shouted into the phone “WE FOUND YOUR DOG, OVER.” Then he disconnected the call.

“That's how you send a fax, right?” Dango asked, after their ears had stopped ringing.

“Probably.” Tyler shrugged. He traced his fingers along one of the edges of the dog's scales, where smooth chitin gave way to soft fur. “I don't know, I'm not Steve Jobs.”

The second number that Fandango tried was a pizza place in some city in California. He got half way through ordering before Tyler rolled his eyes and tried to get Dango’s attention.

“And the breadsticks have gluten in them, right?”

“Dango.”

“No, no, that's perfect. The more gluten the better. And can I get a -”

“Dango. Hey, Dango!”

Fandango paused his order and held his hand over the bottom of the phone as he looked at Tyler, questioning. “What’s up Breezy? We can get the cheesy bread instead of the breadsticks of you want.”

“Dango, we're on the east coast.”

“Oh, right.” Fandango nodded, then said into the phone “How far will you guys deliver? Uh huh... Okay... So you should be able to deliver to the east coast then, right?. What? No. How am I supposed to know that’s farther than twenty miles from California?”

“Ask about the dog.” Tyler said, scratching behind one of the dog's ears. She seemed to like that the best. He realized that he could probably stop petting her now that they had gotten the numbers off the necklace, but for some reason he just. Didn't.

“Oh, yeah. Did you lose a dog?” Fandango was quiet for a second after that, listening to the response. Or at least that was what Tyler figured, until Dango took the phone away from his ear and Tyler noticed that there was no longer anyone on the other end.

“Did they hang up on you?” Tyler asked, horrified when Fandango nodded.

No one hung up on the Fashion Police. They could hang up on whoever they wanted to, of course, but someone else hanging up on them as if they were a couple of nobodies? As if they were The Ascension? Tyler felt himself fill with righteous fury at the nerve of those uggo pizza people, but it sputtered out when he realized that Dango didn't seem outraged at all. Instead he just looked sad.

“Oh no, Dango, don't -” Tyler floundered, not sure what to do. “What's wrong?”

“All they cared about was their dumb pizza!” Fandango sniffed and wiped at his face with one hand while he reached out to pet Patches with the other. “I don't know how anyone could just not care. How could they just not care about Patches when she's such a good dog?”

“... yeah.” Tyler hedged.

“At least she knows that we care about her, right Breezy?”

Tyler watched as Patches nuzzled against Fandango’s hand. ‘Care about’ was a bit strong, maybe - Tyler Breeze didn't care about anything except for being the most gorgeous human being who had or would ever live. But he did feel slightly less disdain for the dog than he did for the vast majority of people, so in the end he just said “Sure.”

Dango seemed happier after Tyler's pained admission, content to just sit and pet the dog even though he was clearly still moping a little about being hung up on. But Tyler was starting to get antsy. He couldn't just sit still when they had a big case, and he knew that even once they found whoever it was that had lost Patches there would still be crimes that needed their attention. That Baron Corbin would still be out there strutting around in his wolf shirts, like anything about that was okay. Which, speaking of...

“Hey Dango, you know what always makes you feel better? Handing out violations.” Tyler got up and passed the pad of tickets to Fandango, who took them with another sniff. “C’mon, you want to go bring some perps to justice?”

“Can we bring Patches?”

Tyler hesitated. He hadn’t planned on spending any extra time with the slobbering animal, but. They couldn't just leave the dog alone...

“Dogs have great senses of smell, right?” Fandango added. “She can help us sniff out offenders.”

Tyler didn't think they really needed any help finding fashion criminals on a roster full of professional wrestlers. Him and Dango could work the rest of their lives and still not bring even half of those twisted perps to justice. But instead he just said “...I guess.”

“You hear that, girl? You're an official deputy dog! Yes you are, yes you are!” Fandango exclaimed and the Patches scrambled to her feet, licking his face and dripping drool everywhere.

Tyler grimaced as he stood up to remove himself from the splash zone and walked over to open the door of the office, still looking over his shoulder at Fandango and the dog. “But we'll have to be careful. We don't want to run into The Ascension.”

“Oh, definitely. I still can't believe they think we're their friends.”

“The Ascension really are the worst.”

“Guys.” Someone said “We're right here.”

Tyler startled and turned his head back to see Konnor and Viktor standing right outside the doorway.

“Well you shouldn't be, you're interfering with an active Fashion Police investigation!” Tyler held out his arms against the door frame, drawing himself up to his full, perfect height to block them from entering the headquarters. “Go away before I arrest you.”

“You can't arrest us.”

“Oh really? Who has the badges here, huh?

“You just bought those badges at the dollar store.”

“Excuse you?” Tyler snarled as he waved the badge in their faces “These badges are _couture_. Look at that inlay.”

“Oh. Yeah, that's pretty nice actually.”

Tyler scoffed and put the badge away, only slightly mollified as Konnor asked

“So did you get our messages?”

Tyler just stared at them, not bothering to dignify the question with a response until The Ascension started to shuffle their feet.

“We just wanted to know if you guys wanted to hang out and do, like, friend stuff or something.” Konnor said, rubbing the back of his own neck sheepishly. “You know, since we're - wait, do you feel something?”

“Annoyed.”

“No, it's... Like a sense of creeping doom.” Konnor said, and Viktor nodded. They started to crowd Tyler, looming to try and see past him into the office as Tyler held his ground. “Like being tormented for all of eternity.”

Tyler rolled his eyes - The Ascension could be so dramatic. Of course Tyler didn't feel anything of the sort so he just scoffed and said “Obviously. I always feel that whenever I'm around you two.”

“No, seriously, Breezy -”

“You don't get to call me that.” Tyler cut off Konnor, but he just kept talking.

“- something is wrong here. I felt this way in the Wasteland once, right before -.”

Viktor had ducked down while he was talking, to get a look into the room past Tyler's ribs. Tyler was a hair second too slow to catch him in a headlock, and ended up instead with Viktor’s nasty face paint smeared all over the side of his shirt as Viktor jumped back and shouted

“Look out Fandango! There’s a hellhound behind you!”

“What?”

Fandango sounded just as confused and offended as Tyler always was by the very presence of The Ascension, much less whatever nonsense they were spouting now. But he didn't get a chance to say anything else because Konnor and Viktor chose that moment to try to shove their way into the room.

Tyler shouted in outrage and shoved back at them back, lashed out and jabbed his elbows in cruel digs toward their solar plexuses. If one of these idiots caused him to break a nail he was going to sue them into oblivion. But despite his furious defense of Fashion Police headquarters, The Ascension somehow managed to push past Tyler, spilling into the office and knocking over the trash can, the crumpled papers and Tyler's discarded phone skittering across the floor.

“Holy shit, that is a hellhound!” Konnor exclaimed. Viktor’s mouth was hanging open, shocked, and both of them stopped in their tracks to stare at Patches.

Tyler bristled and slapped Konnor across the back of the head. Not that he cared about the dog. He definitely didn't. Tyler was just pissed at having been pushed out of the way, that was all.

“Rude.”

“Ow!”

“Yeah, where do you two get off criticizing Patches? She's not hellish, she's a good dog!” Fandango reached down to pat Patches and reassure her that she was, in fact, a good girl, despite what the mean old Ascench had said about her.

“No, he means that -” Viktor pointed to the dog “- is not a dog. It's a hellhound. A literal hound from hell.”

“ _You're_ from hell.”

“No, we told you, we're from the wasteland.”

“Same thing.”

“No it's not!”

“Yes it is!”

“Listen. That's not important right now. You guys have to get rid of that thing.” Konnor pointed an accusing finger at Patches. The dog's eyes narrowed and her upper lip started to curl back - not quite a snarl, just enough to show off the first row of teeth. Konnor quickly snatched his hand back.

“ _Her_ name is _Patches_ ” Tyler pushed Konnor out of the way so that he could give the dog a scratch under her chin in reward for a job well done. Maybe dogs weren't all bad, if The Ascension were so scared of them.

“Who could even say mean things like that about such a good dog?” Fandango lamented

“It has four eyes!”

“So what? Who says dogs can't have four eyes, huh?”

“Everyone! Everyone who knows anything about dogs!”

“Well I know _every_ thing about dogs.” Fandango scowled at The Ascension. “And Patches is the best dog there is.”

“How many rows of teeth does it have?” Konnor tried, as if he hadn't been listening at all to the fact that Tyler and Fandango were clearly dog experts. But he wasn't going to get anything past Dango, that was for sure.

“Three. Obviously.”

“How can you just -” Konnor sputtered “That's not normal!”

“What would you uggos know about normal?”

Konnor made a choked off noise of frustration and made a visible effort to control himself as Viktor pressed on “Look! Just. Look at the fur on its face. Can’t you see that it looks like a skull?”

Tyler squinted at the dog. Now that he was looking for it, the white splotch on the dog's face did look sort of like a skull, but that was probably just because, well,

“Yeah _, duh._ ” Tyler heaved a put upon sigh. “That's because there's a skull underneath it. It's called bone structure, you cretins.”

Tyler crossed his arms over his chest and glared at The Ascension. Not the sultry glare either - the angry one. It wasn't long until the two uggos crumbled.

“Please listen to us! We're just trying to look out for our friends!” Konnor pleaded.

“Well then you should go look for them somewhere else.”

“C'mon Tyler, don't be like that. We know that you're our friends.”

“The only thing you know is how to be the worst.” Tyler turned his back on The Ascension and flipped his hand back over his shoulder dismissively. “Patches is staying with us until we can find who she belongs to. And if you don't like it, then you can leave.”

Konnor and Viktor still didn't look like they liked it. But they also didn't leave. This was why nobody liked The Ascension.

Tyler went back to pointedly ignoring them as he turned to Fandango.

“Hey, Dango, if Patches is going to be staying with us for a while we should make sure that she's trained.”

“Good idea Breezy. But what's the best way to train the best dog?” Fandango mused. His brow furrowed as he continued to pet Patches, clearly deep in thought, until “Wait. Hold on. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?”

Tyler didn't even need to nod. Of course he was - The Fashion Police operated at peak levels of mental efficiency at all times. The Ascension glanced back and forth, confused, as Tyler and Fandango both turned in unison and looked directly into the camera.

“Wait, what are you guys looking at?”

“It's montage time!"

 

**SUPERIMPOSE: DOG TRAINING MONTAGE**

 

THE ASCENSION

Oh no, not another montage.

 

Upbeat jazzercise music starts to play.

SMASH CUT to

INTERIOR - BACKSTAGE - FASHION POLICE HEADQUARTERS

In the background of the shot there is a white board on which the following have been written - 1. Sit, 2. Shake, 3. Speak. These are accompanied by stick figure drawings. In the foreground, TYLER is facing PATCHES while FANDANGO stands beside the dog.

 

TYLER

Sit!

 

FANDANGO gently presses down on PATCHES’ hips. PATCHES resists and does not sit.

SMASH CUT to

INTERIOR - BACKSTAGE - FASHION POLICE HEADQUARTERS

TYLER and FANDANGO stand in front of a filing cabinet and reach out to shake hands with one another. They move with exaggerated slowness as they grasp their hands together and shake.

Pan out to show KONNOR kneeling in front of PATCHES in the foreground. Konnor is leaning as far back as he can and shielding his face with one hand as he reaches out with the other. PATCHES looks back and forth between his hand and BREEZANGO, confused.

SMASH CUT to

INTERIOR - BACKSTAGE - FASHION POLICE HEADQUARTERS

 

TYLER

Sit!

 

FANDANGO presses down on PATCHES’ hips. PATCHES resists and does not sit.

SMASH CUT to

INTERIOR - BACKSTAGE - FASHION POLICE HEADQUARTERS

KONNOR still has his hand extended for the dog to shake. PATCHES extends one of her paws and KONNOR flinches back, terrified, pulling his hand away from the dog at the last second. In the background BREEZANGO sigh heavily and shake their heads

SMASH CUT to

INTERIOR - BACKSTAGE - FASHION POLICE HEADQUARTERS

FANDANGO stands in front of PATCHES while THE ASCENSION cower in the background. They are still clearly terrified of the dog. PATCHES ignores them and cocks her head to the side, all attention on FANDANGO, who holds out a dog treat.

 

FANDANGO

Patches, speak!

 

PATCHES remains silent.

 

FANDANGO

Come on girl, like this - woof! Woof!

 

PATCHES remains silent.

 

FANDANGO

That's okay girl, I know you tried your best.

 

FANDANGO turns to look at THE ASCENSION

 

FANDANGO

Unlike _some people_. I'll go see if Breezy can help.

 

FANDANGO gives the dog the treat and scratches it behind the ears before he leaves the scene. He has to walk past the dog to get to the door. THE ASCENSION start to follow him out, but the dog whips around to stare at them, all four eyes unblinking, and they freeze in place.

THE ASCENSION and PATCHES remain at a stalemate after FANDANGO has left the room. This lasts long enough that upbeat jazzercise music track loops two or three times. Eventually, THE ASCENSION try to edge past PATCHES and out of the door. PATCHES does not move, except to swivel her head as she watches their progress. VIKTOR begins to act somewhat braver, while KONNOR is still staying as close to the wall as possible.

 

VIKTOR

Maybe… maybe we don't need to be afraid of it.

 

KONNOR

Viktor, don't -

 

VIKTOR

Speak.

 

PATCHES remains silent.

 

VIKTOR

Speak.

 

PATCHES remains silent.

 

VIKTOR

Speak!

 

PATCHES remains silent. VIKTOR holds out a dog treat, dangling it in front of the dog.

 

VIKTOR

C’mon, speak!

 

PATCHES remains silent. Then

 

PATCHES

Chaos reigns.

 

THE ASCENSION scream and fall over each other as they rush to exit the room. VIKTOR drops the dog treat in his panic and PATCHES gobbles it up after the door swings shut behind them.

SMASH CUT to

INTERIOR - BACKSTAGE - FASHION POLICE HEADQUARTERS

 

TYLER

Sit!

 

FANDANGO gently presses down on PATCHES’ hips. PATCHES sits. TYLER gives her a treat and PATCHES takes it from his hand very gently, all her rows of teeth a safe distance from the tips of his fingers.

 

FANDANGO

There you go, what a good girl! Yes you are!

 

PATCHES rolls onto her back and FANDANGO rubs her belly, still praising her achievement. At the corner of the shot THE ASCENSION can be seen peeking around the door frame

SMASH CUT to

INTERIOR - BACKSTAGE - FASHION POLICE HEADQUARTERS

There is now a sign posted on the cork board that says “Final Exams in Progress.” FANDANGO is standing to the side, looking proud, while TYLER tests PATCHES.

TYLER is holding a clipboard with a sheaf of papers - the front of this clipboard should be continually angled away from the camera. THE ASCENSION are in the background, as far from the dog as they can possibly be while still visible in the shot.

 

TYLER

Sit!

 

PATCHES sits. TYLER writes something on the clipboard.

 

TYLER

Shake!

 

PATCHES extends a paw and TYLER shakes it delicately before he makes another note on the clipboard.

 

TYLER

Speak!

 

In the background of the shot, THE ASCENSION flinch and draw closer together. FANDANGO gives them a confused look as the dog barks.

 

PATCHES

Woof

 

TYLER writes on the clipboard. This time he takes significantly longer, writing more than he has any of the previous times. FANDANGO starts to look nervous.

 

FANDANGO

Is everything okay Breezy? Did she score enough to pass?

 

TYLER shakes his head gravely as he finishes writing.

 

TYLER

No. Patches didn't score enough just to pass...

 

TYLER lets this hang in the air for a beat. FANDANGO looks visibly disappointed, shoulders sagging. Even PATCHES seems sad, hanging her head until TYLER continues

 

TYLER

She scored enough to officially become a good dog!

 

TYLER turns the clipboard around so that the camera can see that the top sheet is just a blank sheet of paper on which he has written “GOOD DOG.”

TYLER, FANDANGO, and PATCHES all high five. (Reminder: this dog is large enough that when it stands on its hind legs, its front paws can easily reach the high five of two grown men.) The jazzercise music reaches crescendo. Everyone is excited, except for THE ASCENSION.

STAR WIPE to

INTERIOR - BACKSTAGE - FASHION POLICE HEADQUARTERS

The jazzercise music fades and is replaced with “Graduation” by Vitamin C.

Close up shot of four glasses and a dog bowl on a table. Three of the glasses already have single raw eggs in them, and the dog bowl has half a dozen.

The camera draws back as FANDANGO cracks the last egg the final glass. BREEZANGO, THE ASCENSION, and PATCHES are all wearing graduation caps, and there is a banner hanging from the ceiling that says “Congrats Grad!”

TYLER puts the dog bowl on the ground and everyone toasts their glasses. BREEZANGO pour theirs into the dog bowl, and PATCHES begins gobble down the raw eggs in giant, messy bites. THE ASCENSION try to drink their own eggs but immediately spit them back out, graduation caps falling off as they retch. The music cuts out.

TYLER shakes his head.

 

TYLER

Every time.

 

FANDANGO

Seriously. What is wrong with you guys.

 

**ROLL CREDITS**

 

“How is this our fault?” Konnor asked, holding back Viktor’s hair as he heaved into the garbage can. “You're the ones that keep giving us raw eggs!”

“Yeah, but you're the ones that keep trying to drink them.” Tyler’s lip curled before he looked away from The Ascension, unable to bear their presence any longer. “C'mon Dango, get them out of here. The Fashion Police and their new K9 unit have better things to do than hang out with these dumb uggos.”

“You heard Officer Breezy, get out of here.” Fandango ushered Konnor and Viktor out the door. “You're interfering with our case.”

Tyler watched as Dango locked the door behind The Ascension. “Wait, we had a case?”

“Yeah. We still haven't solved the mystery of who Patches belongs to, so we can return her to her owners.”

Oh. That was right. Tyler had been so wrapped up in the montage that he had forgotten that they weren't just going to be stuck with Patches forever. That big slobbering mess of an animal would be back where she belonged, just as soon as the Fashion Police cracked the case

Tyler sat down in one of the office chairs, steepling his flawless fingers in front of his gorgeous face. Flawless, except for the fact that there was a single strand of dog hair clinging to one of his cuticles. Tyler thought about flicking it away in disgust but instead he reached down to pat Patches’ side as he thought. Him and Fandango were definitely the best at solving mysteries. So they should have been able to wrap this case up already, except for the fact that they had nothing to go on. Other than the dog’s necklace there were no clues to be found, which meant...

“Maybe we can't solve the mystery because the clues we need aren't here.”

“Not _here_... Are you saying what I think you're saying?”

“You got it Dango. The only way to solve this case is to go -”

“To outer space!”

“- back to the scene of the accident!”

“Oh.”

“That's okay. I like your idea better anyway.”

“Thanks Breezy.” Fandango said. “But I don't really want to go back to space, not after the last time. You know, with the aliens. And the probing.”

“Don't worry Dango.” Tyler reassured his partner. “I think I have a way that we can combine both of our ideas and solve this case once and for all.”

\---

Tyler took a deep breath as he leaned back in his seat. The universe stretched out above them, endless space, blackness marked only by distant pinpoints of bright white light. He could feel Fandango next to him on one side and Patches panting in his on the other. He knew that they were there, reassured by the radiating heat of their bodies, but Tyler was helpless to look away from the view as they all traveled together, further and further out into the blackness of space, to the undiscovered country at the edge of everything.

“ _Out here, ten million light years from planet Earth, each point of light is a galaxy containing millions of stars. And yet, we have mapped the visible universe well enough to chart a course all the way back home_.”

“That's good.” Fandango let out a relieved sigh “Because I am so lost right now.”

“ _We have discovered that the universe was born in fire 13.8 billion years ago, and that it's been expanding and evolving ever since_.”

Flying through the cosmos, moving beyond the speed of light, they drew closer to one of the galaxies. Tyler took a deep breath as he watched the slow rotation of it's many spiral arms. Stars, glittering like sequins. Clouds of space dust in rich jewel tones that shone across the emptiness. It was magnificent. The vast grandeur of the cosmos arrayed in front of them like -

“Can we leave yet?”

Tyler turned around in his seat to stare daggers at The Ascension, who were sitting a few rows back. They were the only other people in the theatre despite Tyler’s earlier intention that this was to be a private screening. The seats on either side of the uggos were piled with shopping bags from Tyler and Dango’s earlier outing to the designers on the Upper East Side. Now, Tyler was regretting not buying even more - If there had been more bags maybe they would have obscured The Ascension from his view completely.

But as things were Tyler could unfortunately still see Konnor and Viktor, illuminated as they were by the shifting light of the galaxy that reflected from the planetarium dome above.

“ _But with new instruments, both on earth and in space, we have begun to glimpse how much we still don't know about the cosmos. This is Neil deGrasse Tyson, and I am here to guide you through a century of discovery, about the past, present, and future of our universe_.”

Konnor and Viktor shifted in their seats under Tyler's glare until he deigned to finally address them.

“You're a real pissy mess, you know that?”

The Ascension looked back and forth at one another before they both asked simultaneously

“Me?”

“Me?”

“Yes.” Tyler went to turn back around in his seat, only to be annoyed again when Viktor piped up

“I just don't see how this is helping solve the case.”

“I already told you. We're looking for clues.” Tyler waved a hand at the swirling galaxy that was being projected above them. “Or at least we're _trying_ to, when you uggos aren't distracting us.”

“But why would coming to a planetarium help you find clues?”

“One, this isn't just any planetarium. We are back in New York City, which is where we found Patches. Two, we are in outer space. Or close enough. What about this don't you understand.”

It hadn't been meant it as a question. Tyler had intended it to be more of a shaming statement - he had forgotten, of course, that The Ascension had no shame.

“What does outer space have to do with any of this?”

Tyler ignored the question and turned back to Fandango instead. Fandango had been busy taking notes of possible clues, but he stopped scribbling to watch Tyler shake his head solemnly as the screen above them showed a huge image of the churning red spot of Jupiter.

“This is why we don't hang out with them.” Tyler muttered

“You're the one that offered to give them a ride.”

“That's only because we needed them to carry our bags.” Tyler hissed under his breath, doing a double check to make sure that no one was around to hear that they had willingly associated with The Ascension. “And they couldn't drive themselves! You know I can't stand to be anywhere near a Nissan Stanza.”

Patches made a low whuffing sound, as if agreeing with Tyler's disgust. Tyler did have to admit that this dog had good taste - he should see about getting her a better necklace some time. Just if the case went cold and the dog had to live with them forever. It would totally ruin their perfect case closure record but it wouldn't be the worst thing ever, Tyler mused as he reaches over to run his hand down Patches’ back, felt the rounded knobs if her spine under the soft fur. Maybe like the second or fifth or the tenth worst thing ever or something. But then the music swelled and the three of them settled back in, returned their attention to the planetarium show.

As they journeyed out through deep space the view started to get hazier. It was as if there was a faint fog in the air, just enough to obscure the sights and scatter some of the light from the projector. But the narrator had mentioned something about clouds of space dust awhile back, so Tyler thought that it was part of the projection. At least at first, until he felt a cloud of cool mist tickle against the back of his neck. It sent a shiver down his spine, and Tyler gritted his teeth before he turned to face The Ascension.

“If you idiots have started vaping in here I swear I'm going to …”

Tyler trailed off when he saw the way that Konnor and Viktor were clinging to each other in terror. Which was good. Finally they had realized the power of the Fashion Police, except. The Ascension weren't even looking at Tyler? That just didn't make any sense. When Prince Pretty was right in front of someone, they didn't just look somewhere else. As if there could be anything more important. As if Tyler weren't the most enamoring thing in the room. Unthinkable.

Tyler narrowed his eyes and turned to see what could have possibly taken their attention away from him, ready to give whatever it was a piece of his mind. Then, Tyler saw that they were staring at a door.

Tyler had already started to wind himself up into a rant (if The Ascension were so anxious to leave that they couldn't stop staring at the exit, then they could just -) before he stopped. Looked at the door again. Took a second to think about it, and. Tyler was pretty sure that they had all entered at the back of the theatre before the show. Not this door, which had appeared in the side of the planetarium dome.

Huh.

He nudged Fandango on the shoulder to get his attention, not looking away from the sight as he asked

“Hey, Dango, was that door there earlier?”

“Huh?” Fandango twisted around to look, and thought hard for a few seconds before he replied “Nah, I don't think so. Why?”

“Just wondering.”

Fandango shrugged and went back to watching the show, but Tyler was still distracted by the door.

It wasn't much of a door, really. There wasn't even a knob as far as Tyler could see. In fact, the door wasn’t much more than a pitch black rectangle that was backlit by an otherworldly purple glow. Fog seeped through the seam around the door as well, catching the purple light before it drifted down to accumulate along the floor in thick clouds, billowing towards them like so many yards of chiffon.

This whole door thing was really messing with Tyler's planetarium viewing experience - how were they supposed to find space clues if the mist was blocking their view of the galaxy?

Tyler opened his mouth to complain, but he was silenced when a deep bell tolled. _Rude_. Then the bell rang out again. The low peal of it vibrated through through the planetarium, drowning out the narration as the projection overhead took them flying out past the sun before the projection itself stuttered for a second and then cut out completely.

The darkness in the theatre would have been total if not for the light that spilled through around the door. Tyler could see the silhouette of Patches was shifting in her seat, head flicking back and forth between the door and Breezango as she gave a low whine. On Tyler's other side he heard Fandango gasp

“The aliens are here. I knew they'd find me again.”

Tyler wasn't sure why they were being quiet as they all watched the door, but it just seemed right. He reached out on either side of him to give Dango a reassuring pat on the knee and Patches a gentle scratch between the shoulderblades.

“I don't think it's aliens this time Dango.” Tyler whispered back. “We already did aliens, we're not that derivative.”

Then the door swung open, and The Undertaker stepped through.

Tyler had kind of forgotten about The Ascension until he heard Konnor and Viktor whimper behind him. They sounded terrified, and one of them - Tyler couldn't tell which, because he didn't care - started to plead for mercy in a low, wavering voice before falling silent once again.

The dead man moved with slow, solemn steps as he crossed the glowing threshold into the planetarium. Tyler heard something then, not another gong but a deep, steady thumping. Like a heartbeat. Then he felt it too - Patches had leaned further towards the doorway and her wagging tail had shifted from knocking against the back of the seat to hitting Tyler’s leg instead. Tyler still had his hand on Patches’ back and he could feel the way that she started to sway a little, back and forth between Breezango and The Undertaker, soft fur shifting beneath his palm as the dog moved. When Patches barked he could feel that too, low vibrations under his fingertips.

Fog clouds surged around The Undertaker as he turned slowly, looking out across the planetarium until his otherworldly gaze settled on the group of them. Behind Tyler, The Ascension sucked in a sharp breath as The Undertaker stared silently and the unseen bell tolled once more.

Tyler rolled his eyes. Whatever. He didn't get what all the fuss was about.

One time, Tyler had seen Dean Ambrose. In public. Which would have been bad enough on it's own, except that Dean had also been wearing shorts that were old sweatpants he had clearly cut the legs off of himself. So to say that Tyler had already seen true horror was an understatement. The Undertaker didn't scare him, terrible singlet aside - Tyler was never going to get old and ugly, and he was never going to die, so he didn't have anything to worry about did he? So Tyler Breeze wasn't afraid when he watched The Undertaker step through the glowing doorway, but he still felt.

A chill.

Deep stillness, like a cold harbor on some distant coast. Where it probably always smelled like old fish and they didn't even know what organza was. But with that deep stillness also dawned a realization, the missing piece that they had needed to solve the case, and Tyler felt the certainty of it as soon as it entered his mind.

So when Dango asked “What do you think he wants?”, Tyler knew exactly how to answer.

“He must have gotten our fax.”

The Undertaker whistled then, quick and sharp, and Patches immediately jumped down from the seat next to Tyler. But then Patches paused and turned back to Breezango, propped herself up with a front paw on each of their knees. She looked back and forth between them, her four red eyes crinkling with… some emotion. Happiness, maybe. Tyler didn't know. Emotions were for uggos.

Then, with great gravitas, the dog leaned forward and her tongue flickered out to lick Tyler and Dango on their cheeks. Tyler wasn't sure why, exactly, he didn't recoil - it was disgusting, definitely not endearing at all. But instead of pushing the dog away, Tyler gave her one last pet behind the ears and assured himself that his face was only wet with dog slobber and not for any other reason.

Finally Patches hopped down and loped away from them, and Fandango reached out to squeeze Tyler's hand as they watched her go. Back to where she truly belonged. The thick fog parted around the dog as she made her way over to The Undertaker, and if Tyler wouldn't  have known better he would have thought that he saw the faintest smile flicker across the dead man's face.

“Thank you” The Undertaker said “for finding my dog.”

The Undertaker nodded to them, one hand tipping the brim of his hat in acknowledgement as the other reached down to pet the dog. Right behind her ears, where Tyler knew she liked it best. Another deep bell tolled as the Undertaker turned away from them and the dog followed, as the black door swung shut behind them and they disappeared into parts unknown.

Tyler sniffed, once, as the purple light faded and they were plunged back into darkness. Just to clear the last of the dog hair from his nose or whatever. Then the house lights rose in the planetarium, glaringly bright after such dark dramatics, but when Tyler stood and turned around he saw that The Ascension were still frozen in place. Staring at them in shock. Tyler ignored them.

“We did a good job solving the mystery, right Dango?”

“We sure did Breezy. Another Fashion Police case for the record books.” Fandango said solemnly as he flipped his notebook shut.

“That. T-that was. The. He -.” Konnor stuttered, until he finally managed to spit out “The Undertaker.”

“He nodded to you.” Viktor added, sounding awed. “You guys are…”

“The best? Yeah, we know.”


End file.
